


What Medic Has To Put Up With

by TheAvoidableInevitable



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Heavy loves Medic, I Don't Even Know, I'm sorry world, M/M, Medic putting up with everyone's shit, Not Serious, Parody, destroys braincells, stupid
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-14
Updated: 2015-07-16
Packaged: 2018-04-09 09:22:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4342982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAvoidableInevitable/pseuds/TheAvoidableInevitable
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A short series of what the medic has to deal with, daily at the R.E.D. base.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this and posted it on my fanfiction.net account and now, I decided to delete it and post it here instead. Enjoy ;)

**Monday:**

"Doktor, I think ve should be more than friends."

"No."

**Tuesday:**

"Hey, Doc, ya want me to show ya a homerun?"

"No!"

**Wednesday:**

"Hey, Medeek, aye can show ye a real good teime."

"Get out of my infirmary, now!"

**Thursday:**

Finally, a day off from battling and tending to perverted patients. Medic glanced around the newly organized infirmary, smiling at his hard work. A neat work place is an efficient work place.

"Doctor!" The double doors busted open. The soldier swung his arms around in a panic and rushed towards the doctor.

"Oh mein gott! Vhat do you vant, now?" Medic pressed his pointer finger and thumb down, around the bridge of his nose, shaking his head.

"Ummm..." Soldier stared blankly, as Medic grew more irritated by the second. "Oh, yeah. When is the bread shipment gettin' here?"

"Tomorrow," Medic gritted his teeth and tried to compose himself. "Oh, thanks doc. I can't wait to go teleport some more bread," Soldier stupidly grinned and left the room.

The medic just sighed, **"Ugh. Vhat else could possibly make zhis day even more annoying?"**

At that very moment, Spy decloaked behind the doctor,"Suprise buttsechs!"

 

\------

 

**Friday:**

Medic glanced around the infirmary for any spies that might assault him again. Everything seemed clear, so, holding his sore back and hips, he walked to the kitchen.

"Finally, ya here! Now, make us food," Scout smirked. Everyone was waiting at the dinner table for medic to make them breakfast. Everyone knew he would, so they were all smiling, especially Spy.

After making four dozen pancakes, Medic was left alone with nine empty plates to wash. He just sighed and got to work scrubbing them until they were perfectly sterile.

"Um...Doktor. Vould you like some help?" Heavy really liked Medic and sincerely wanted to help him with all the chores that always got stuck with. Medic turned around and smiled at Heavy. The blue eyes that Heavy loved stared into his own.

"NO!" The doctor slapped him across the face,"I do not need your help, you fatty fatso mcfatterson!" Heavy's bottom lip quivered at the sudden rejection. "Now stop distracting me!" At that statement, Heavy just cried in the corner, rocking himself back and forth.

Medic smiled and cheerfully sang,"Now, back to vork," and whistled contently as he finished his work.

Back in his infirmary, the medic sat down in his favorite chair to read a book. The walls were pretty thin, so he could hear Sniper and Spy fucking in the neighboring room.

_"Oh, Spy. Don' stop, mate! Ughghghgghgguhgghugugh. Oh, yeah."_

_"Oui, let me drink that jarate like it iz lemonade!"_

_"Yeah, drink it outta my mouth like a baby bird, ya bloody sexy spook."_

Medic was used to it, so he just shrugged and kept reading his book. The loud thumps against the wall and choked gurgles weren't really an unusual occurrence. Nothing could EVER surprise Medic anymore.

A few hours later, the doctor got ready for bed and layed down. His eyes grew heavy and he slowly fell asleep to the Spy and Sniper still going at it.

_"I am going to have to use mon sapper, because I am going to fuck you for **sentries!** "_


	2. Chapter 2

**Saturday:**

Medic really hated all of his teammates with a fiery passion, except for one.

Suddenly three of the mercenaries bursted through the infirmary doors. Engineer and Pyro walked behind Heavy as he walked up to embrace the doctor. Medic just froze as the behemoth hugged him.

"Doktor," Heavy stated as he stared right into the German's eyes,"I have really liked you for long, long time and I think zhat I love you." Medic had a huge grin on his face. Heavy was so happy that the doctor was genuinely smiling...and then he realized that the medic was smiling at Engineer.

"Get off of me, you filzhy schwein!" Medic pushed Heavy away and sprinted to Engineer.

"Oh mein gott, my dear Engie! meine Liebe, fick mich bitte!" Medic practically threw himself at the Texan. By the time Engineer had said that he has a wife, the medic had pulled off the man's pants.

Pyro laughed and cheered as Heavy cried in a fetal position and Medic gave the engineer a blowjob.

　

\-----

　

**Sunday:**

"Listen, I just vant to talk to you," Heavy told the medic. He nodded and was ready to listen. "Medic, vhy don't you like me?" Heavy was dead serious and wanted a good explaination. "Vell...Maybe it is because ve come from different countries. Like, I am from Germany and-" Heavy just gestures for Medic to stop and interrupts," Vait, you do not like me because we originate from different places?"

Medic's face showed that he was thinking really hard,"I think because of vhere ve are from, ve do zhings differently. For example, I like to take zhings slow in my relationships." Heavy was confused. He furrowed his eyebrows and stated,"I can take things slow."

Medic just sadly shook his head,"No, you could never take anything slow, you are always _Russian_."

YYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Monday:**

"Medic! Medic!" Scout called urgently as he ran through the infirmary doors,"I think someone poisoned-" And he fell onto the ground.

"Nein Scout, it was only a sedative," Medic explained to the unconsious Bostonian as he poked him with one of his boots.

Suddenly Heavy, Spy and Demoman walked in to see what the yelling was about. Medic was picking up Scout bridal-style and walking over to the bunch. Heavy looked confused,"What was noise?"

"Nothing, Scout just thought he was dying again."

Spy went towards the doctor and took the seemingly lifeless body, carrying him over his right shoulder. Medic started walking back to his desk.

"Whot is goin' on 'ere?" Demoman furrowed his eyebrows.

"I am taking Scout, as you can see, mon ami," Spy patted the boy's butt, emphisizing that the runner was his.

Heavy looked back to Medic, with one of his brows raised,"Doktor, what will Spy do to Scout?"

"I have no idea. Ve sort of have a 'don't ask, don't tell' trading deal going on."

"Oh... then what do you get?"

"Various things that belong to Engineer, vell _belonged_."

Heavy took a step back and nervously scratched the back of his head,"Like wha-"

But, before he could finish, seemingly out of no-where, a pair of 'I love Texas' boxers was being held up by Medic and he shoved it into his own face.

Heavy didn't say a word, so they just stood there, Medic's mouth and nose covered by the underwear and he just stared at the Russian.

"Uh," Heavy started,"What do you do with-"

"FFFFFFFFFFFFHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" Medic sniffed so violently that some of the boxer material was stuffed up into his nose.

Heavy just stared in awe as the whole thing was eventually sucked up into the doctor's nostrils. Medic was just standing there like nothing happened and he casually looked down at his watch,"Oh, time for vork!"

Heavy reached a hand out for Medic's shoulder and he spoke up,"Um, Doktor... w-where did boxers go?"

The German turned around and pressed his pointer finger over the bigger man's lips, silencing him,"Sh sh sh." He hushed him quietly and softly.

"But-"

Medic's arm suddenly swung up and his bonesaw landed in Heavy's head. His screaming eventually stopped after a few minutes and his cold body fell to the ground.

"Ugh, now I vill have to clean all zhis blood up and move zhe body-"

"I call the body,"Demoman raised his hand in the air, which got him a few weird looks from the other mercs,"Don't ask, don't tell, aye?" he winked his one good eye.


End file.
